Dear Girl That Sits On Her Boyfriend’s Shoulders At Outdoor Concerts,

Have you ever been sitting down at an outdoor event such as, say, a baseball game, where it began to lightly rain?  Did the person in front of you open a giant umbrella?  Did that umbrella block your view and make your fun day out at the ballpark much less enjoyable?  Didn’t you think that whoever opened that umbrella was a selfish, annoying asshole even if it was raining?

Girl That Sits On Her Boyfriend’s Shoulders At Outdoor Concerts (GTSOHBSAOC), you are that umbrella.  Except worse.

I know, I know, we get it.  You are too short to be able to see the band.  I feel your pain.  I used to be that way as well.  It sucks.  Everyone else can see what’s happening onstage, but you’re stuck staring at a sea of backs.  I get it.  You want to be able to enjoy the concert like your Tall Loving Boyfriend.

What you don’t understand is that when you get on that Tall Loving Boyfriend’s shoulders, you are enormous.  You are over ten feet tall.  You are like if Mini-Me sat on Yao Ming’s shoulders.  Subsequently, everyone behind you feels as you felt before you were on the sturdy shoulders your Tall Loving Boyfriend.  They can’t see the band.  They’re staring at an enormous back.

What’s even worse is that you revel in your selfless act.  You smile.  You throw your hands up.  You sing along.  You cheer in a screechy voice.

Again, I get it.  You’re excited to be able to see the band.  You feel better about yourself up there.  The attention is on you.  Any attention is good attention, right?  Wrong.  You are worse than the Asshole That Tries To Shove His Way Towards The Front Of The Crowd But Then Can’t Get Any Further And Blocks Everyone’s View (but that’s a whole different complaint).  You aren’t impressing anyone but yourself.  Your pleasure is a nuisance to all of those behind you, and, judging by your annoying yell, probably all of those in front of you.

Your loving boyfriend only let you on his shoulders because he thinks it’ll pay off somehow later.  And I don’t mean to be sexist here, but you’re usually a girl, GTSOHBSAOC.

I know what you’re thinking, GTSOHBSAOC.  How are you supposed to enjoy a concert if you can’t see what’s going on onstage?  Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you paid $300 for a festival wristband.  Or, maybe you should look at the big screens next to the stage that display the entire set.  That’s what I do when I’m sitting or standing near the back of the crowd and my view of the stage is similarly blocked (or too distant).

In fact, if you really want to combine with your loving boyfriend into a ten foot concert monster, why don’t you walk towards that back end of the crowd?  Why must you be so close to the stage, where people are standing so close together that it’s nearly impossible to move in order to see around your ridiculously huge body?  I’m pretty sure when you’re fifteen feet tall you can see the stage from almost anywhere, GTSOHBSAOC.

Anyways, I hope this message will reach at least one of you Girls (or Guys) out there.  You are out of control.  Your reckless actions have spread to outdoor festivals throughout the world.  There are thousands more like you out there, each one as selfish and hated as the next.  Please stop.

Sincerely,

The Relatively Tall Guy That Probably Shouldn’t Be Complaining About This But Felt Compelled To Do So After Enduring Too Many Annoying GTSOHBSAOCs At Lollapalooza Last Weekend.

 

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